My purpose here is to explore how men have been wounded by lack of sexual initiation, or social factors, and to suggest some initial steps men can take to further healing.
As an instructor of basic Tantric practices and as a sexual healer, I have loved many men in my life. However, it is with a limited confidence that I approach the subject of male sexual wounding because I am not a man. I can’t access the same resonance as when I talk about women. Nevertheless, I have seen, felt and heard men’s wounding and the unnecessary suffering that results.
Attempting to understand how a man experiences himself as a sexual being requires that we take a closer look at how we’ve all been wounded. We’ve all been victims of a socialization and discrimination process which defines our sexual identities and roles. Instead of being seen as a human being with very individual characteristics and choices, we are being labeled by our genitals as boy or girl, man or woman, and limited accordingly.
What It Means To Be A Man?
Men are are trained and conditioned for the roles of performer and provider from an early age. The core of the macho training is a denial of the full range of emotions and body feelings. Competition, success, ownership and external rewards become the foundation of Superman pseudo power. Since emotions are categorized as “something for girls” young boys learn very early that to be a man must mean he has to be strong, to be in control, to not show feelings and to see himself as superior to women; misogyny becomes identity.
This conditioning insidiously crystallizes the male role of performer, hero, macho, provider, achiever and doer. Competition becomes the rule and the way to relate to other men. The degree of his denial of emotions and bodily feelings may lead him to extreme abuse of power, greed, destruction and violence. Wars and the destruction of our natural environment are examples of such denial. From that place of isolation from women – and also from his true self that seeks a deep connection with women – he falls victim to a system that only values external rewards such as success and ownership.
While Men Strive For Power, Sexual Powerlessness Results
Warren Farrel, Ph.D., further points out that men are socialized to want sex as long as one condition is fulfilled: physical attraction. Women are still taught to be sexually cautious until two, three or all four conditions – attraction, respect, emotions, and intellect – are met. Many women add more conditions: singleness and status/success. Some also apply dating rules: the man must ask her out, he must pay, and he must risk rejection by initiating the first kiss, being the first to hold hands, and so on. Men feel as if their expectations are so much lower than women’s as there is only one condition they are to guard – and often they can’t even meet that. And so men feel sexually powerless.
While men are focusing on physical attraction and external rewards, internal rewards such as result from communication with women, intimacy, love and commitment, remain unsatisfied. When it leads to a lack of sexual fulfillment, it may result in powerlessness for both men and women. Rarely do we think of men as sexually powerless mainly because we associate the male phallus as the symbol of sexual power. I see this powerlessness manifested in many ways. In my work I constantly encounter men having premature ejaculations, difficulties with erections, lack of sexual feelings, and lack of skills and confidence in their sexual expression.
”During sex, a phenomenon that Western psychologists call premature ejaculation happens to 75% of men, preventing them from experiencing a deep union. What this usually means is that the man has not allowed his partner to develop her energy into an orgasm. As a result, in normal sexual relations the percentage of women experiencing frustration and no orgasm may be as high as 80%.” 3
Men Are Wounded By The Absence Of Sexual Initiation
The absence of a rite of initiation into manhood with proper sexual training contributes to male sexual wounding. Men are not trained to know how to love women’s sexual power. His unconscious fear of women’s sexual power confronts him with his vulnerability, especially if he fails to meet his own expectations as a sexual performer. His desire for control is challenged by “cuming” while it should be called “going.” Because, unless a man learns to transmute his energy before he ejaculates, once he “cums” he is gone. His energy and his interest in his partner are gone. The man who repeatedly experiences this lack of control over his sexual energy will often end up feeling powerless.
A more recent factor which, unfortunately, has also contributed to men’s wounding is machismo feminism with its oftentimes vehement objectification of men. In the spirit of retaliation there isn’t much room for discernment. Sensitive men took a hard blow, right under the belt, in their power center. While the male power structure was actually the object of attack, many receptive men’s personal power was blasted. On top of not having adequate male role models, now simply being a man was a cause of shame, blame and discrimination!
Perhaps the phenomena of the metrosexual man is a natural response to these wound. These men have opened themselves to their intuitive and receptive side. They know how to be gentle and sensitive which is exactly what women wanted from men. The problem is that through this process, men have often lost the more bold, active and penetrating qualities required for personal power. In that way they’ve compromised their maleness. And of course it’s bound to affect their sexual power.
Whether or not modern man is in touch with his emotional pain, his body can’t lie. The most striking way that sexual wounding is affecting men is through prostate disease. The medical establishment treats the symptoms of prostate problems while ignoring their causes. Aside from the physical causes, shouldn’t we pay closer attention to the most obvious cause which is the surrounding environment: the quality of the air, water and food? Where you aware that the chemical substances present in the environment become particularly concentrated in the sexual organs?
At another level, the significance of the disease of the male sexual organ reflects the difficulty to convert this tremendous testosterone power used for wars and destruction of the planet into a creative, peaceful and sacred source of energy. It is time to collectively give birth to the peaceful warrior. We celebrate the wise man who can meet the wise woman in true power and equality, mutually supporting our freedom of being divinely human.
How Can Men Reclaim Their Sexual Power?
First of all, by getting out of denial to recognize that they’ve been wounded. By moving through the pain of these wounds, one can find the key to the true erotic self. This connection to the erotic self is our connection to the life force. It is sacred in itself and should not be exclusively limited to the pleasure of the senses. The highest Tantric exploration is where sex is not used as an escape, no matter how blissful it is, but as a means to know who We are. As long as we identify with the realm of the phenomenal we’re bound to be disillusioned. Once the key to know oneself is found, the whole body becomes the human receptacle, the holy grail, for erotic energy to move more freely and to be transformed into love, healing and creative expressions.
Secondly, men need to develop a whole new relationship with their body. Most men are dissociated from their phallus. That’s why for many men, their relationship to their car, for instance, is so significant. It is the modern stereotype of sexual power and identity. Dissociation also occurs when men masturbate in a very mechanical way, like a sex machine, with high speed, force and intensity. This creates rigidity which over time becomes armoring in the body. The natural sensitivity for the more subtle sensations and feelings is lost. They’ve also lost the intimate connection with themselves and the richness of the whole erotic body. Their experience is a very limited one strictly localized in the genital area. For most men, orgasm equals ejaculation and love making becomes a performance and a race to orgasm. Moreover sex easily becomes a routine to release stress. The compulsive need for outside sources of stimulation, such as pornography and the use of fantasies as necessary conditions to get turned on, indicate the level of dissociation from the sexual organs.
Although a man might be a great adept of sexual and spiritual disciplines, he may precisely have used these practices as a way of reinforcing his more refined egoistic sense of power and the denial of his emotional body. Allowing vulnerability is an essential condition to reclaim sexual power. I have found that it is probably the most difficult quality for men to express, particularly in intimate relationships.
Source: http://www.sacredsex secrets.com